28/01/2021 – Nicolone Episode 1

You can find the actual podcast here is you do not feel like reading and would rather listen:



What you are about to listen to is me, my heart has spoken, and I chose to record it. I’ve debated if I should release the following recording to the public, this whole experience has left me feeling so vulnerable. I am a very emotional being, my whole life I’ve kept that side of me hidden, buried away, but I feel the time has come to show the world who I truly am.

I also want to mention that, in this recording, I touch on my psychedelic experiences. I want you to understand that I am not encouraging anyone to try them. I see the value of such medicine as they have helped me grow. It is all about time and setting. Those are not recreational substances, and they need to me consumed in the proper setting and with respect. These are not recreational drugs.

Its Thursday, January 28th 2021, 4:30 in the morning, I can’t sleep, I’ve been siting in bed since midnight thinking about the experience I had 4 days ago, I realize that after recording more than 30 episodes of this podcast, in both French in English, I never explained where the name Relax Just Love came from and what it actually means. Before I get into it, I want you to know that I am recording this podcast because I feel like I have to. I never recorded a podcast alone before now, so I apologize if this is awkward, this is really taking me out of my comfort zone.

To somewhat set the stage, I am sitting here alone in the dark, I’m in the middle of the woods and the only light I have is a mix of candlelight and what is emanating from my fireplace. My 2 dogs are laying next to me, and I’ve been listening to the same song for more than 4 hours.

For those who do not know me, I am a very spiritual person, I’ve been mediating for a couple of years, I’ve dabbled with psychedelics like LSD, mescaline, MDMA,  magic mushroom, and I’ve even done Ayahuasca with a shaman in the Amazon of Peru but nothing compares to my experience last Sunday.

So before I speak about the experience a few days ago, let me speak about where the Relax Just Love name comes from. About a year ago, I was alone in my apartment in Montreal. After reading books like Rick Strassman’s DMT the Spirit Molecule, Michael Pollan’s How to change your mind and Psychedelic Healing from Neal Goldsmith  I had decided that I wanted to experience my first heroic dose of magic mushroom. 

  • The term “heroic dose” was coined by Terence McKenna and consists of 5 grams of dry magic mushrooms consumed in a specific kind of Set & Setting. The phrase is specific in that it is reserved only for this brave method of consumption. The rules are simple: 5 dry grams consumed alone, in the dark, in silence, with your eyes closed.

For anyone that has done mushroom you can imagine that it turned out to be quite the buzz. I believe its Paul Stamets that said this about psilocybin, the active compound in magic mushroom ‘’It will give you what you need not what you want’’ 

The reason I wanted to take a heroic dose was simple, I wanted to take a trip within. I wanted to see what my subconscious mind had to tell me. As I follow instructions I found online on how to make tea with the magic mushroom, I prepare myself for this trip I am about to take. I swallow the tea and I realize that I can’t go back now. There is this feeling of fear and when I say fear I mean fear of the unknown. After about 30 minutes, I start feeling it. I sit on my bed and let’s just say that the first part of the experience is not a pleasant one, it feels like the wall are caving in, like I’m walking in a dark forest where the branches are trying to grab me. I take a hold of myself and remember that it’s all in my head, like the current of a river, there is no point in fighting it, all I can do is let go. For the next few hours I experienced powerful emotions like the sadness that comes from accepting things and letting them go, I made peace with my past, I had a vision of my dog Luana, that’s before I ever saw her in real life and I kept on hearing a voice telling me relax just love, relax just love. I had no idea what it meant, but I knew it was important.

Fast-forward a few months, a couple of months into this pandemic, I get the idea to start a podcast. As you can imagine when It was time to name this podcast the choice was easy, Relax Just Love was the only name I could think. I realize now that although I knew what to call this podcast, I didn’t understand what the name actually meant.

So back to what happened a few days ago, I’m meeting someone for the first time, it’s a beautiful Friday afternoon, we meet in a small town between where she and I live. We walk around town, sit on a swing set next to a skating rink, we have hot chocolate, we even sit in a snow bank, we speak about philosophy, politics and our life aspirations. We have a great time. It’s time to leave, she hugs me, she holds on to me for at least 5 minutes. At the time I thought nothing of it, it actually felt very natural. As we part ways, we both know that we will see each other again. 

Later that day, we agree to see each other again, she will come to my place on Sunday. When she gets here my buddy is still here, so I introduce them, we had tea, we talk, I’m happy they both seem to get along. After an hour or so he leaves, and here we are, alone, just her and I and my 2 dogs of course. We sit on the captain chair I have in front of my fireplace, she sits on my lap facing me, we hug. I know that what I am going to say is going to sound absolutely crazy and believe me, I agree with you. I am the type of guy that has never in love, I’ve always been convinced that love is simply a chemical reaction that happens in our brain. But as we are silently hugging each other its like we’ve known each for ever, over many lifetimes, I always believed in reincarnation, but I’ve never considered the possibility that I might be true for me, that 2 spirits could remember past lifetimes together but this is exactly what happened. As I come to this realization, I start crying, crying like I’ve never cried before, not even for the loss of a loved one. She tells me she forgives me, and of course I cry ever harder. We sit there, silently, just hugging each other, its like our spirits have finally found one another after a lifetime apart. Seems like a few minutes have gone by, I open my eyes, it’s somehow its now dark outside, the fire needs more wood, I get up, fill the fireplace with wood. Look at the time, turns out we have been sitting there hugging silently for more than 3 hours.

Needless to say that we are both puzzled about what just happened. Over the next few hours, we speak about our experience and what we believe happened. We are both really spiritual and understand that some things cannot be explained and that we just need to be lived. We haven’t seen each other since she left the next morning, I have no shame in saying that I continued crying on and off for about 24 hours. Now, 4 days after, It’s like a massive weight has been removed from my shoulders. This was by far the most powerful moment I’ve ever experienced. As I sit here, I do not know what comes next and what will happen after this recording, but my heart is open, and I now realize what Relax Just Love actually means. Sometimes all you need is to Relax and just love. She is coming over tonight, and I cannot wait to see what the future holds in store. 

I know that in these weird times we live in that a lot of people are feeling depressed. I know life sucks sometimes but keep in mind that it is also the greatest gift you’ll ever receive so enjoy it. Make the best of it. We are love so Relax just Love.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *